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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23083174">Being Alive</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_whimsy/pseuds/miss_whimsy'>miss_whimsy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Magicians (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Fix-It, Fluff, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 11:13:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,022</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23083174</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_whimsy/pseuds/miss_whimsy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Eliot sends some letters. Quentin tries his best. Alice and Margo are smarter than everyone.</p>
<p>Post-season 4, canon divergence.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Minor or Background Relationship(s), Quentin Coldwater/Eliot Waugh</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>214</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Being Alive</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A huge thank you to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/users/skywardsmiles">skywardsmiles</a> without whom this story would not exist - thank you for your support, cheerleading and all your efforts to whip this into shape.</p>
<p>All mistakes are my own.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>1. To: Quentin Coldwater, Before He Goes to the Mirror World</b>
</p>
<p>There's a very strict timeline to this plan and once things are in motion they can't stop for anything. Everyone has to be ready. </p>
<p>"Are you ready?" Alice asks and Quentin nods as he has the last fifteen times she's asked because there's nothing else to do but nod if he doesn't want to snap at her. She's nervous, he gets it, and this is her way of coping. </p>
<p>Quentin can't use his preferred method of coping right now because lying in a dark, quiet room and talking to himself isn't an option. He has to just get on with it.</p>
<p>For Eliot.</p>
<p>God, he's tired.</p>
<p>He pushes his hands into the pockets of his hoodie… and finds a letter.</p>
<p>
  <i>To: Quentin Coldwater, Before He Goes to the Mirror World</i>
</p>
<p>What the fuck?</p>
<p>"What's that?" Alice asks and Quentin has no idea, except that stamp looks vaguely…</p>
<p>He tears into the letter and feels his heart trip as though he was being brought back to life.</p>
<p>Eliot.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>Dear Q,</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I can't say much and you're on a deadline so just do me a favor and throw those fucking things into the Seam as fast as you can and get your ass back here to kiss me better.  Alice — because I know you'll read this — please consider sharing your boyfriend. I will be forever in your debt.</i>
</p>
<p><i>Love always,<br/>Eliot</i> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Alice is indeed reading the letter over Quentin's shoulder. He thinks her face is probably as red as his feels.</p>
<p>"How?"</p>
<p>Quentin hands her the envelope.</p>
<p>"The stamps," she says, a mix of surprise and wonder in her voice. "Like Jane Chatwin’s. Wow. The future must be fucked up."</p>
<p>"Alice…"</p>
<p>"Let's talk about it after," she says, and it's Quentin's turn to be surprised. </p>
<p>"You're amazing," he tells her and kisses her cheek before reading the letter again.</p>
<p>Throw them fast. He can do that.</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>Eliot doesn't know what to do after he posts the letter. He doesn't know how long these things are supposed to take. So he goes back to the apartment and makes himself a drink.</p>
<p>He doesn't remember things being any different but then, he thinks, why would he? He was trapped. Then he was in the hospital. Then Margo told him… </p>
<p>He downs his drink and refills it. He hates that memory. There’s not enough alcohol in the world to drown it out.</p>
<p>The door opens behind him and Eliot freezes, heart pounding.</p>
<p>Please.</p>
<p>"Eliot."</p>
<p>Alice. </p>
<p>He hasn’t spent any time with her since Quentin died.</p>
<p>He squeezes his eyes closed.</p>
<p>Quentin <i>died.</i></p>
<p>He feels Alice settle down next to him and he takes a deep breath. He has no right to feel this way. Not around her.</p>
<p>When he opens his eyes, Alice is watching him. It feels as though she’s looking right through him.</p>
<p>"Hi, Alice."</p>
<p>She smiles and Eliot knows it’s forced and she looks about to cry, but something about it soothes him.</p>
<p>"You sent Quentin a letter," she says and Eliot starts because he really wasn't expecting that.</p>
<p>"I did. About an hour ago."</p>
<p>"Oh," she says and it's much too gentle. Eliot can’t bear it. "It didn’t work."</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>Alice grabs Eliot's hand and squeezes. "Try again."</p>
<p>"Alice, I…"</p>
<p>"Do you have more stamps?"</p>
<p>Eliot nods. "I have five more."</p>
<p>"Then get him back, Eliot. I don't care what you have to do. I don't care what else happens. Save him."</p>
<p>Eliot stares at her, her beautiful face scrunched up with determination. Her eyes are red with dark circles underneath.</p>
<p>"Why don’t you take them?" he hears himself offer. "You can save him, Alice."</p>
<p>His mind revolts at the idea of anyone but himself saving Quentin but he shouts himself down. Does it really matter as long as Quentin is alive?</p>
<p>"No," Alice says and it's much too knowing. She did read the letter. "You loved him too. He listens to you like no one else. It has to be you, Eliot. You have to save him. Promise me."</p>
<p>It's all he's wanted to do from the moment Margo told him.</p>
<p>"I promise."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>2. To: Quentin Coldwater, Immediately After Margo Gets Back From the Desert</b>
</p>
<p>Margo's story of her success in the desert is definitely one of Quentin's all-time favourite stories and when they get Eliot back Quentin will be happy to listen to it a hundred times a day, but right now they have more important things to think about. Like actually getting Eliot back.</p>
<p>"What's that?"</p>
<p>It takes Quentin a minute to realize Margo had stopped talking about her axes.</p>
<p>"What's what?"</p>
<p>"That." Margo plucks an envelope from between his knees. "Secret admirer, Q?"</p>
<p>"How did that get there?"</p>
<p>Margo is staring at the letter. "Q."</p>
<p>He slides closer to see what's put that look on her face. </p>
<p>"Is that Eliot's handwriting?"</p>
<p>"The stamp, Quentin."</p>
<p>He grabs the letter and holds it closer to see. "Holy shit."</p>
<p>“Q, you’re killing me.”</p>
<p>Quentin tears open the letter and Margo tucks her chin over his shoulder to read with him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>Dear Q,</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Enclosed is the Incorporate Bond spell you need to bind the Monster and his Sister. They're going to take Julia so you have to keep her safe. Talk to Henry. Do it fast. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Everett is hoarding magic. He's the real threat. Be careful.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Tell Margo to aim a little more to the left. And tell her I love her because, well because I do. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>And I love you too so just get this done and get me out and we can all sleep for a month. I miss you so much.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Love,<br/>Eliot</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Quentin brushes away a tear from his cheek and if Margo notices, she's at least generous enough not to say anything. </p>
<p>"An Incorporate Bond?" she asks, taking the second sheet of paper from him.</p>
<p>"I'll call Julia," Quentin says, still staring at the paper.</p>
<p>"I'll go to Brakebills."</p>
<p>"He's alive," Quentin whispers. "In the future, he's alive, Margo."</p>
<p>"We're going to save him, Q," Margo says, reaching for his hand. "We're going to get him back."</p>
<p>"And then we sleep for a month?"</p>
<p>"Well there are some big ass beds in this place," Margo says with a smile. "We'll all fit. </p>
<p>~</p>
<p>Eliot feels like the world's biggest bastard when he posts the letter, but Alice is next to him, staring him down, so he really has no choice.</p>
<p>"I've got it," she'd told him the night before when they'd been making a list of possible times to send future letters. "If we give them the Incorporate Bond earlier they might be able to trap the Monster and his Sister before they get to Julia."</p>
<p>"Do you know the spell?" Eliot asked and Alice had held up a piece of paper.</p>
<p>"Tada!"</p>
<p>"Alice."</p>
<p>"Don't," Alice said. "Just don't."</p>
<p>"You're throwing your memories away," Eliot argued. "Don't give up the last bit of time you had together."</p>
<p>"It doesn't matter so long as he's alive," Alice said fiercely. </p>
<p>"And what if it doesn't work?" Eliot asked desperately. "Use the Permanence."</p>
<p>Alice shook her head. "If it doesn't work, you'll try again. And you'll keep trying until it does work."</p>
<p>"Alice…"</p>
<p>"I had my chance," Alice snapped. "I had my chance but it was never going to be the same. Not like I wished it to be in my head because the first time we were together I hadn't betrayed him." She looked down at the book in front of her on the table. "The first time we were together he wasn't in love with you."</p>
<p>"He wasn't," Eliot protested automatically but was silenced by the look Alice threw at him.</p>
<p>"He was," Alice said with a certainty Eliot had never possessed about anything, ever. "Last night you promised you'd save him. Today I want you to promise something else. For after you get him back."</p>
<p>"If I can."</p>
<p>"You have to love him for both of us."</p>
<p>Eliot's heart was racing already. The urge to just run right now was almost overwhelming.</p>
<p>Only the thought of living forever in a world without Quentin kept him in his seat.</p>
<p>"I promise, Alice."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>3. To: Quentin Coldwater, Before He Bleeds the Stone</b>
</p>
<p>They're going to bleed a stone, Quentin thinks, over and over as he reads. Bleed the stone, that's all you have to do. That's the next step. Don't think beyond that. Just bleed the stone.</p>
<p>Quentin knows if he lets his mind stray for even a second, he'll be lost, so he just has to focus. If he can focus he'll get through this, to wherever the endpoint of this horrific journey is, and then he can rest.</p>
<p>He turns the page and finds a letter.</p>
<p>
  <i>To: Quentin Coldwater, Before He Bleeds the Stone</i>
</p>
<p>That's Eliot's handwriting. Had Eliot written him a letter? When? But no, this says "Before He Bleeds the Stone", which implies…</p>
<p>Quentin jumps to his feet, startling Julia and Shoshana.</p>
<p>"Sorry," he says, already heading towards his bedroom. "Sorry, I'll just be a minute."</p>
<p>Julia's watching him carefully but she doesn't say anything and Quentin is at least grateful for that as he closes and locks the door behind him and sinks down onto his bed.</p>
<p>Eliot sent him a letter. From the future. </p>
<p>But Eliot's dead, a voice in his head reminds him. The Monster told you that Eliot was dead.</p>
<p>And it's a fucking monster, a second voice pipes up, sounding suspiciously, yet comfortingly, like Margo. Why are you trusting monsters, Coldwater? Open the fucking letter.</p>
<p>He has an urge to tear into it but he forces himself to take his time, treating the envelope reverently, and pulls out the letter with shaking hands. He closes his eyes as he unfolds it and takes a deep breath.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>Dear Q,</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I am writing to you from the future and as the rules laid down by Back to the Future state, I can't tell you what's going on, but I want you to know that it SUCKS and you have to help me change things.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>First of all - tada, I'm alive - the Monster is lying to you. I'm trapped in my own head but I'm working on a way to get to you. Later today, I'll succeed. We have about thirty seconds, so use them wisely. I would really like a hug if you're willing.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Second of all - Bacchus, Iris, Heka, and Enyalius were librarians who made themselves Gods by slicing the Monster's sister into four parts. He's trying to get her back. Don't let that happen.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>And third, Everett (head of the Library, Everett) is the real big bad this year - be careful.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>That should be everything. Take care of yourself. You have no idea how important you are to everyone. I know you can do this, Q.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>All my love,<br/>Eliot</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Quentin reads the letter three times before he falls back onto the bed and allows himself to breathe.</p>
<p>Eliot's alive. Eliot's alive. Eliot's alive.</p>
<p>And they save him. Somehow they find a way to save him. He saves Eliot and Eliot wants him to do it again.</p>
<p>Things must be bad in the future but they can't be that terrible because Eliot is alive and nothing, Quentin thinks, nothing could possibly be as bad as Eliot being dead.</p>
<p>He needs to talk to Julia. They need to make a plan.</p>
<p>He needs to tell Margo that Eliot is alive.</p>
<p>He holds the letter up to read it again, tracing his fingers over the words.</p>
<p>Eliot's going to break free, just for a little while.</p>
<p>Quentin has to be ready.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Alice is helping Julia with the stone because Iris is still expecting them to bleed it and maybe it won’t be useful right now but they might need it in the future. They know what they're focusing on now after all. True, neither one of them seems happy about having to work together, but Quentin doesn't care because Eliot is alive and they have a plan, or at least the start of one, and Eliot is alive and soon Quentin will be able to see him and talk to him and, honestly, he feels lighter than he has in about a year.</p>
<p>The Monster is next to him on the sofa, shifting ever closer and for once Quentin doesn’t mind. At some point, it’s not going to be the Monster and Quentin wants Eliot within touching distance.</p>
<p>Quentin feels the moment it happens. The Monster’s head rolls forward and his whole body shivers.</p>
<p>“Q?”</p>
<p>“Eliot.” Quentin has his arms around him before he’s finished saying his name. “Thank God.”</p>
<p>“I don’t have long,” Eliot says, his arms folding around Quentin immediately. “I just wanted to let you know I was alive.”</p>
<p>“I miss you,” Quentin breathes into his ear. “I’m going to save you.”</p>
<p>“Oh, I know you are,” Eliot laughs and Quentin squeezes him tighter. “And when you do, I have something I want to say to you.”</p>
<p>“Can’t you say it now?”</p>
<p>“Not until I get to follow through on it. Peaches and plums, Q.” </p>
<p>“Eliot.”</p>
<p>Eliot’s body shudders again and Quentin launches himself backwards, trying to calm his racing heart as Eliot disappears and the Monster returns.</p>
<p>“Quentin?”</p>
<p>Quentin looks over, hoping his face shows the innocence he’s striving for. “Hmm?”</p>
<p>“What happened?”</p>
<p>“When?</p>
<p>They stare at each other for a moment and Quentin holds his gaze, forces a smile. </p>
<p>“Nothing,” the Monster says eventually. “I’m bored. Come play with me.” </p>
<p>~</p>
<p>The glass slips from Eliot's fingers as the memory hits him.</p>
<p>"Eliot?"</p>
<p>There are arms around him and Fen is there, her soft, pretty face in front of him and her gentle presence surrounding him.</p>
<p>"Eliot?"</p>
<p>She's talking. She's worried about him but he can't… he can’t…</p>
<p>"Look at me," she says in her most firm no-nonsense voice. "Breathe in. Out. In. Focus on me."</p>
<p>He does as he's told because it's easier than thinking right now.</p>
<p>"That's good," she coos. "I've got you. I've got you."</p>
<p>He leans against her heavily and allows himself to be petted. Fen does give exceedingly good cuddles. </p>
<p>"I remember," he whispers and Fen, bless her, doesn’t say anything; she simply kisses his forehead and listens.</p>
<p>"I remember breaking free. I remember Quentin hugging me. He held me so tight and… he said he was going to save me."</p>
<p>"He did save you," Fen says. "He saved all of us."</p>
<p>"And now I have to save him. What if I'm not strong enough?"</p>
<p>"You? Husband, you can do anything. I believe in you."</p>
<p>Eliot smiles the way he never can stop himself from smiling when Fen calls him husband. </p>
<p>"What did I do to deserve a wife like you?"</p>
<p>Fen tightens her arms around him and smiles. "Just lucky I guess."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>4. To: Quentin Coldwater, Before He Offers Himself As the Monster's Keeper</b>
</p>
<p>Quentin spends a good minute staring at the letter when he finds it because he'd been planning on doing exactly that and now there's a letter from the future implying something is going to go horribly wrong. </p>
<p>Well, Quentin thinks, the letter clearly came from Eliot so Eliot can be the one to help him figure this out. </p>
<p>He lets himself into Eliot’s bedroom with cursory knock, without waiting for an answer.</p>
<p>Eliot is in bed. Quentin wants to climb in with him.</p>
<p>"Can't sleep?"</p>
<p>"You sent me a letter."</p>
<p>Eliot pulls the covers back and Quentin tries not to appear too eager when he slides in beside him.</p>
<p>"I don't remember sending you a letter," Eliot says, taking it from Quentin. "Was I drunk?"</p>
<p>"I don't know," Quentin says honestly. "I haven't read it yet. I don't think so though." He points to the stamps on the envelope. "Those belonged to Jane Chatwin. In the books at least."</p>
<p>"Special stamps?"</p>
<p>"You can send it to anyone, anywhere…"</p>
<p>"That is the general purpose of a stamp, yes."</p>
<p>"Any <i>time</i>."</p>
<p>"Ohhhh. Magic stamps."</p>
<p>Quentin rolls his eyes but happily leans into Eliot when he puts his arm around him. </p>
<p>"Yes, magic stamps. And see, you sent me this one."</p>
<p>"Before you offer yourself as… Quentin, what the fuck?"</p>
<p>"Can we just read it together before you get upset about something that hasn't happened?"</p>
<p>Eliot glowers haughtily as he opens the letter. "It obviously has happened though if we're getting letters from the future about it."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>Dear Q,</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I miss you. Today has not been easy. I need you here. Or maybe I just want you here so much it feels like need. You're not here though, so this is the only way I can talk to you. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>You're thinking about offering yourself as the Monster's Keeper and that is a horrible idea for so many reasons, not least of which is that it's going to inspire me to make the second-worst decision of my life. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I want to keep you safe. It's ironic I guess, in the cruelest sense, that my trying to keep you with me is what ultimately lost you forever. And it's so predictably selfish of me to be telling you after the fact that you were right. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>You can't trust Alice right now. It won't be forever, she's been amazing at helping me with this but for you right now, in your time, she's not in a good place. The Library and the people that run it cannot be trusted so please take Julia with you to Blackspire instead. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>And figure out a way to keep the Monster there without letting me do something stupid like shooting the damn thing. It hurts everyone in the long run.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I love you, Q.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Yours always,<br/>Eliot </i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They're both silent for a long time once they finish the letter, each lost in their own thoughts.</p>
<p>"What the fuck did we do?"</p>
<p>Quentin sinks further down in the bed, curling around Eliot whose arms come up around him, strong and reassuring, squeezing him tight.</p>
<p>"Nothing good," he murmurs against Eliot's chest.</p>
<p>"How do we stop the Monster?"</p>
<p>"Hear me out, okay?"</p>
<p>"Do not say you're going to stay at Blackspire."</p>
<p>"It makes sense and you know it," Quentin argues. "And it doesn't have to be forever but it gives us time. You can figure something out."</p>
<p>"And what if we can't? What if you're there forever?"</p>
<p>Eliot holds him impossibly closer. Quentin never wants to move.</p>
<p>"It's better than dead."</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>It takes a while for the memories to come to him this time because everything changes and Eliot has to re-orient himself. One minute he’s making himself a sandwich in the loft and the next he’s lying on the sofa in the Cottage, with his head in Margo’s lap.</p>
<p>“Weird.”</p>
<p>“What’s weird?”</p>
<p>They took Julia to Blackspire. He didn’t try to shoot the Monster. </p>
<p>His hand goes instinctively to his stomach and he pulls his shirt up to reveal smooth skin instead of an itchy scar.</p>
<p>“Weird.”</p>
<p>“El?” Margo says with a hint of impatience this time. “What’s weird?”</p>
<p>He sits up and faces her properly. “Is Q…?” Her face drops before he finishes his question and he squeezes his eyes closed.</p>
<p>Fuck.</p>
<p>"El, honey, you're scaring the crap out of me."</p>
<p>It's a long story and Eliot doesn't want to start from the beginning right now. He takes out his remaining two stamps and holds them out to Margo.</p>
<p>"Fuck me," she breathes. "Are those?"</p>
<p>"Yeah."</p>
<p>"And you used them?" </p>
<p>"Yeah."</p>
<p>"How many?"</p>
<p>"That was four."</p>
<p>"Fuck," Margo says. "We need a drink."</p>
<p>Eliot nods his agreement and gets up to mix them some drinks, deciding halfway there to just grab the vodka and come straight back.</p>
<p>“You’re trying to bring Quentin back to life?”</p>
<p>“No, I am trying to prevent Quentin’s death by helping him make more informed decisions.”</p>
<p>“And you’re the only one that remembers?”</p>
<p>Eliot nods slowly. “You took the Permanence off before I sent the first letter to Q. I thought I could do this alone.”</p>
<p>“Well, that was your first mistake.” Margo gulps down a mouthful of vodka and hands the bottle back to him. “What did you change this time?”</p>
<p>“I told him to stop me shooting the Monster.” And Eliot has the memory now, of Q coming to him, talking to him. “I told him not to take Alice with us.”</p>
<p>“Because she was going to try and stop us,” Margo finishes for him. “I remember now. He did have a letter. You two were thick as thieves over it.”</p>
<p>Eliot takes a swig of the vodka.  He’s straining for it, the memory he least wants but most needs.</p>
<p>“How did Q die this time?”</p>
<p>Margo grabs the vodka back from him. “He stayed in Blackspire. We all swore we’d get him out but Everett wanted the power and he…”</p>
<p>Eliot closes his eyes and drifts while he listens to the whole story, eventually shifting back to his original position with his head in Margo’s lap.</p>
<p>“This is my safe space, you know,” he says into the quiet that follows her tale. “The Cottage. You. Quentin. Fen. You’re my people. And this is my place. I think it would have been easier just to go to the Underworld and ask for Quentin back.”</p>
<p>“You’d have made a fine Orpheus.”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t have looked back. Not once.”</p>
<p>“Well you can’t look back now,” Margo says, running her hands through his hair. “There’s only forward.”</p>
<p>“I only have two more stamps.”</p>
<p>“You only need one if you do it right and luckily I am here now to help you with the next letter. First of all, you have to forget all of the Back to the Future bullshit you have going on in your head. The movie is good, the science is not.”</p>
<p>“The science of time travel,” Eliot interrupts, “doesn’t exist.”</p>
<p>“Tell him everything. Tell him every single thing that is going to happen that he has the ability to change. Tell him what to do, not vague hints. This is Quentin we’re talking about. I love him but he’s an idiot.”</p>
<p>“You don’t think that’s dangerous?”</p>
<p>“You’re already trying to change the past. How much more dangerous can it be?”</p>
<p>“Well,” Eliot says after a long pause, “that’s a very good point.” He lights a cigarette and takes a long drag before holding it up for Margo. “So what are we doing next? Where should I send the letter?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>5. To: Quentin Coldwater, While He's In Bed With Eliot Waugh Discussing the Letter He Received from the Future</b>
</p>
<p>Quentin snuggles into Eliot's chest and enjoys the warm hands gently stroking his back. They'll come up with something. They'll save magic and stop the Monster and he won't die this time. How hard can it be?</p>
<p>Eliot is reading the letter again. The envelope brushes against Quentin's cheek. </p>
<p>But wait, no, Eliot's holding the envelope. </p>
<p>Quentin sits up and grasps a second envelope that has appeared.</p>
<p>"Um, El?"</p>
<p>
  <i>To Quentin Coldwater, While He's In Bed With Eliot Waugh Discussing the Letter He Received from the Future</i>
</p>
<p>"Shit."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>Dear Q,</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>That didn't work. I talked to Margo and I think we have a plan now that will fix it. I really hope it will fix it.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Enclosed is the spell for an Incorporate Bond. Once you have magic again you need to do the spell to bind the Monster to Blackspire. This means that the Gods will never be able to turn off magic again because they'll need it to keep the Monster locked up. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>You need to get Henry to bring Everett with him instead of Zelda and then you can bind him there too. He can live there forever with the Monster. They deserve each other. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I've also enclosed a list of things you need to know, things that might possibly come up and take you by surprise. I don't want to leave anything to chance this time. The future can only change for the better if you know what you're getting into.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>We all miss you, Q. None of us are dealing with you being gone very well. Me most of all.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Please take care. I can't wait to see you again.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Love,<br/>Eliot xxx</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Well," Eliot says, taking the pages from him, "that's comprehensive."</p>
<p>"This guy really wants to kill me."</p>
<p>"He really wants power," Eliot says. "You're just very good at stopping assholes like him."</p>
<p>"I have thirty-nine past lives that say that's not true."</p>
<p>Eliot kisses the top of his head. "The little tomato that could."</p>
<p>"Fuck off."</p>
<p>"I'm serious," Eliot says. "You've stopped this guy a few times."</p>
<p>"I just had to die to do it."</p>
<p>"Well, not this time. This time we're doing it right and you're going to live a long, happy life. It is my decree."</p>
<p>Quentin laughs. "If High King Eliot says it…"</p>
<p>"Then it must be so. Correct."</p>
<p>"Okay," Quentin says, falling back down against Eliot's chest. "If you believe it, I believe it. We can do this."</p>
<p>Eliot's arms surround him again and Quentin feels at peace. </p>
<p>"We can do this."</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>For the second time, it happens so suddenly Eliot is sure he must have blacked out. </p>
<p>One moment he is sitting alone in the Cottage, listening to Kady's personalised heartbreak playlist and considering his fourth cocktail of the evening, the next he's surrounded by people, the music a polar opposite to what he was just listening to.</p>
<p>"...the best?"</p>
<p>Eliot turns to face the voice yelling in his ear and finds Todd smiling at him expectantly. </p>
<p>"Todd!" </p>
<p>"This party," Todd shouts, leaning closer. "This is the best party."</p>
<p>"Thank you," Eliot says, possibly making Todd's year. "Where is everyone?"</p>
<p>Todd's eyes flick to the mass of people and then back. "Oh, your friends. Um, Kady and Alice are over there. Penny took Julia to get more vodka. Last time I saw Margo she was out back…"</p>
<p>"Okay, thanks."</p>
<p>"...with Quentin."</p>
<p>Eliot freezes.</p>
<p>Todd is still talking. Which is nice for him, considering Eliot can't breathe.</p>
<p>"What did you say?"</p>
<p>Todd stops talking. "Which part?"</p>
<p>"Where is Margo?"</p>
<p>"She was outside five minutes ago,” Todd says easily, “with Quentin."</p>
<p>Eliot runs.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He bursts onto the patio and comes to a halt when he sees Quentin, alive and well, arguing with Margo as though he hadn't been dead five minutes ago.</p>
<p>He did it.</p>
<p>Holy shit, he did it.</p>
<p>Margo throws her head back and laughs and Quentin is gesturing emphatically but he's grinning too much to be annoyed.</p>
<p>He looks beautiful. Alive is beautiful. </p>
<p>"What are you doing over there?" Margo asks, catching sight of Eliot. </p>
<p>Quentin turns his head towards him and smiles, holding out his half-smoked cigarette. "Hey. We missed you."</p>
<p>Eliot is beside them in two steps and he takes the smoke, because God knows he needs it, and then gathers Quentin up in his arms.</p>
<p>Quentin doesn't protest; he wraps his arms around Eliot and holds him just as tight. </p>
<p>"You okay?"</p>
<p>"I'm great," he breathes into Quentin's ear. "I just really need to hold you right now."</p>
<p>Quentin nods and strokes Eliot's back.</p>
<p>Jesus, Eliot loves him so much.</p>
<p>Margo quirks an eyebrow at him and he shakes his head. He'll tell her everything later but right now he just needs to hold Q and know he's alive.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eliot spends the rest of the evening glued to Quentin's side and Q himself shows no sign of wanting to be separated from him.</p>
<p>"Hey," Quentin says quietly, much later, when the party is mostly over. They’ve been leaning against each other for a long time now and Eliot feels almost drunk on nothing more than the magical, middle of the night anticipation. "Can I show you something?"</p>
<p>Eliot, powerless to resist, nods and smiles as Quentin tugs him up, squeezing his hand tightly as he drags him upstairs. </p>
<p>Quentin pushes Eliot towards the foot of his bed, where he sits patiently while Q searches his dresser for something.</p>
<p>"I knew that one day you'd have that look on your face, like everything had changed. I didn't think it would be so far in the future."</p>
<p>"The future?"</p>
<p>Quentin turns and in his hand are Eliot's last two letters to him.</p>
<p>"You saved us."</p>
<p>"It was a joint effort." </p>
<p>"No," Quentin protests. "It wasn't. No one else remembers."</p>
<p>Eliot shrugs slightly, turning it into an awkward roll of his shoulders. He's not a hero. Alice helped him. Margo helped him. They don’t remember because they’d made a choice not to, but it doesn’t mean he did this alone. </p>
<p>"The important thing," he says, setting his hands on Quentin's hips because he can't bear not to be touching him right now, "is that it all worked out. I've been getting flashes of memories all evening and now that I remember everything from both timelines, I can assure you this one is infinitely preferable."</p>
<p>Quentin rests his hands on Eliot’s shoulders. “Well, I am grateful."</p>
<p>"Any time."</p>
<p>Quentin gets that look on his face, the one Eliot knows means he's made up his mind, and he ducks his head towards Eliot and kisses him.</p>
<p>It's light, just the barest brush of silken lips against his own and then Quentin pulls away completely with a sad smile.</p>
<p>"Where did you find the stamps?"</p>
<p>Eliot wants to grab Q's hand and pull him back and kiss him the way he's been desperate  to kiss him ever since they got their memories back of their other life.</p>
<p>And that's Eliot's whole problem, isn't it? Even with Quentin in his arms he still wants more.</p>
<p>"El?"</p>
<p>"A book," he says, and is about to launch into the whole tale when he remembers he still has one stamp left. "Margo found them in a book and recognised them." He pulls the remaining stamp out of his vest pocket and holds it out to Q.</p>
<p>"You have one left?"</p>
<p>"Yeah. So you can have it. For your collection. Or to use, I guess, if you want."</p>
<p>"You would trust me with it?"</p>
<p>Eliot considers Q for a moment. "You're the only person I'd trust with it. I want you to be happy."</p>
<p>Quentin doesn't take the stamp. Instead, he pushes his hands into the pockets of his hoodie, looking wistful.</p>
<p>"I want you to be happy," he says at length. "You deserve to be happy too."</p>
<p>"I'm all good, Q," Eliot tries to assure him. "You're alive. How could I not be happy if you’re alive?"</p>
<p>"You don't want anything else? Just for you?” Quentin asks, still watching him with that look. “You could go back further. You could write to Idri, or…"</p>
<p>"What would you do?" Eliot asks, genuinely curious. </p>
<p>Quentin shakes his head. "You don't want to know."</p>
<p>Of course, Eliot thinks. Of course. Don't be an idiot.</p>
<p>"Alice." </p>
<p>Quentin's head comes up and he's frowning. "What?"</p>
<p>"Take it," Eliot insists, waving the stamp at him. "Take it and get her back. She sacrificed a lot to help me. She loves you. You should use it."</p>
<p>"You're an idiot," Quentin sighs. "I love you but you're a fucking moron sometimes."</p>
<p>Eliot's heart skips a beat.</p>
<p>"I loved Alice. I loved Alice a lot but that was before. So many things have happened since then. That was a lifetime ago. A whole actual lifetime that I still think about every goddamn day. And clearly I'm an even bigger idiot than you are for hoping that all of this might have meant something more than… God, Eliot, do you really have no idea?"</p>
<p>"Quentin," Eliot interrupts because he's not making any sense, "you're not making any sense."</p>
<p>"You want to know what I'd use this stamp for?" Quentin says, finally grabbing it out of Eliot's hand. "I'd send you a letter, Eliot. You. That day in Whitespire when we got our memories back and I told you we should be together. I'd send you a letter at that moment that said, it's been two years and I still love you so fucking much it makes me ache to look at you. And I would beg you to give us a chance because I am never going to stop loving you."</p>
<p>What the hell is wrong with you? Eliot’s mind conjures an image so deeply ingrained no amount of changing history would ever remove it. What are you doing? He’s doing it again. He’s going out on a limb and you're still sitting here like a moron, letting him go. What are you even scared of now? The worst happened. Nothing could be worse than him being dead.</p>
<p>“Quentin, I can’t risk losing you again,” Eliot says, and no it’s not brave but it’s the truth. “You have no idea what it was like, living without you.”</p>
<p>“That’s not living,” Quentin argues. “We lived a life, Eliot, you and me. And it was messy and fun and we hurt each other and we saved each other over and over and that was living. It hurts, but it’s a good hurt.”</p>
<p>“Quentin -”</p>
<p>“I know, I know.” Quentin closes his eyes, shakes his head, defeated. “You can’t blame me for trying, I guess.”</p>
<p>He’s gone before Eliot finds the words to stop him.</p>
<p>The final stamp flutters to the ground where he stood as the door closes with a deafening click.</p>
<p>Would it be selfish to send a letter to himself? Would it be wrong to change so much? Everyone's life would change. Things might be worse. Quentin might be dead again.</p>
<p>You promised him you'd be brave. </p>
<p>Well, shit.</p>
<p>He had promised.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>To: Eliot Waugh, Castle Whitespire, Before He Turns Quentin Down</b>
</p>
<p>"Peaches and plums. Peaches and plums."</p>
<p>Eliot drops down next to Q like a lead weight. He remembers. He remembers all of it. He remembers the mosaic and Arielle and Teddy and Q… Oh, they were a family, the four of them.</p>
<p>He had grandchildren. Holy shit, he had grandchildren.</p>
<p>Beside him, Quentin reads the letter from himself again and when he flips the page over, an envelope flutters to the ground between them, seemingly unnoticed.</p>
<p>
  <i>To: Eliot Waugh, Castle Whitespire, After He Gets His Memories Back but Before He Turns Quentin Down</i>
</p>
<p>What the actual fuck?</p>
<p>Eliot picks up the letter and opens it while Quentin remains engrossed in his own.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>Dear Shithead,</i>
</p>
<p>Not the best start. He flips it over to see who sent it. </p>
<p>Well that makes sense.</p>
<p>
  <i>You are about the make the biggest fucking mistake of your life and I am using my last stamp to try to fix it. (Show Q the stamp later, he'll lose his shit).</i>
</p>
<p>Eliot glances at Q who appears lost in thought.</p>
<p>
  <i>In about 30 seconds, Quentin is going to offer you everything you ever wanted and you, because you're a fucking idiot, are going to push him away because you're scared. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Speaking as someone who has lived with that timeline for two years, let me assure you it doesn't hurt any less to run. You just miss out on all the amazing things you could have had.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>So here's my plea: say yes. Tell him you want to try. Tell him you're scared but you're willing because he's right, you work. Say yes and be happy while you can.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I promised Quentin I would be brave and there's only one way to do that — and that means you have to be brave too. You have to let yourself love him. You have to trust him. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Enclosed is a list of all the crappy things that are coming up: how to find the keys, how to defeat the Monster and the Library. You're creating a new world, Eliot, and I believe it will be a better one. I believe in you. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Hopefully yours,<br/>Eliot</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Fifty years?"</p>
<p>Quentin startles Eliot back to himself. "It happened."</p>
<p>"It was sort of beautiful,” Quentin continues.</p>
<p>"It really was."</p>
<p>"I know this sounds dumb but us, we, you know, think about it — we, we work. And we know it 'cause we've lived it. Who gets that kind of proof of concept?"</p>
<p>Eliot's heart is pounding in his ears as he watches Q. Beautiful, brave Quentin who is sitting there in front of him, just like the letter said, offering him everything. Everything he's dreamed about but never dared hope for. </p>
<p>He wants to run.</p>
<p>He wants to say no. He wants to remind Quentin that this life isn't like that life. It's not going to be as easy here.</p>
<p>Let him down gently.</p>
<p>“Q…”</p>
<p>Being brave is so much easier when you know the outcome. Why couldn’t future Eliot have told him how things turn out? How does he know that saying yes will be any better? If anything this letter is guaranteeing that it won’t. Things will hurt. Bad stuff will happen. There’s a Monster? Called THE Monster?</p>
<p>The letter clenched in his fist feels like it’s burning him. He has answers but not about the one thing he needs. What will happen if he says yes to Quentin right now? What if his heart can’t survive that?</p>
<p>He closes his eyes and sees Future Eliot, standing in front of him. He looks sad and disappointed. <i>What the hell is wrong with you? </i></p>
<p>Future him wants him to be brave. </p>
<p>Future him promised Q.</p>
<p>Fuck it.</p>
<p>He promised. </p>
<p>"El?"</p>
<p>Eliot doesn't know what to say. Yes doesn't feel like enough.</p>
<p>"Eliot?"</p>
<p>He settles his hand on Quentin's neck, thumb brushing against the curve of his jaw. Quentin turns his head, rubbing his cheek against Eliot's palm, pressing a kiss to it the way he's done a million times now.</p>
<p>Eliot pulls Quentin to him and kisses him, long and deep and slow, the way he's always wanted to kiss Quentin in this life but never had the chance. Desperate biting kisses mid-fuck are nothing compared to this.</p>
<p>When they part, breathing hard, Quentin stays close, their foreheads touching. </p>
<p>"I'm terrified," Eliot confesses. "I want you. I want us. But I'm scared."</p>
<p>"No one has ever found me terrifying before."</p>
<p>"Really?” Eliot murmurs. “Because you scare the crap out of me."</p>
<p>"We've done it before."</p>
<p>"It'll be different this time," Eliot says. "Harder."</p>
<p>Quentin nods. "Yeah, I know."</p>
<p>"Then why aren't you freaking out?"</p>
<p>"Because it's worth it," Quentin says like it's the simplest thing in the world.</p>
<p>Maybe it is.</p>
<p>"It is worth it." Eliot takes a deep breath and then kisses Q gently again. "You're going to have to be patient with me."</p>
<p>"I've been reminding myself of that since the day I met you."</p>
<p>Eliot laughs and hauls Quentin into his lap to kiss him again.</p>
<p>"Quentin Coldwater, you are not as cute as you think you are."</p>
<p>Quentin grins as he winds his arms around Eliot's neck to kiss him back.</p>
<p>"Yes, I am."</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>Quentin goes to bed at the Cottage and wakes up in Whitespire. </p>
<p>It's disorienting but nothing compared to the assault of memories that begin as soon as he opens his eyes.</p>
<p>He's in Eliot's bed. Or what had been Eliot's bed. It's definitely their bed now. It has been for two years.</p>
<p>Eliot is beside him, curled towards him. He looks beautiful and Quentin wants to reach out and touch him.</p>
<p>He can do that. He does that every day.</p>
<p>"Why are you thinking?" Eliot asks. His eyes are still closed but his hands are wandering. </p>
<p>Quentin loves him so much.</p>
<p>"It happened," he says, seriously. "Time caught up."</p>
<p>Eliot's eyes fly open. "The letter?"</p>
<p>"You sent it a couple of hours ago."</p>
<p>"How do you remember?"</p>
<p>Quentin leans in quickly to kiss him and then rolls out of bed, ignoring Eliot's grumbling protests.</p>
<p>"You gave me a bottle of this stuff to spray on myself to ensure I didn't get wiped from existence." Quentin finds the box he's looking for in his desk and hurries back to bed. "And you wrote me a letter."</p>
<p>"My, I certainly was prolific with the letters," Eliot says, pushing himself up to sit beside Q. "Should I write to you more? Do you feel neglected?"</p>
<p>"I'm good," Quentin replies, amused. "I'm hoping the ones I kept will be in here, with… Aha!"</p>
<p>"Isn't magic neat?"</p>
<p>Quentin takes out four letters. One that Eliot had sent to himself, telling him to say yes to Quentin, two that Quentin had received from Future Eliot, telling him how to fix everything and one that Quentin had received the night before, along with the remainder of the Permanence. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>Dear Q,</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>You're right of course. You're always right. I'm a coward and a fuck-up and no you’d never use those words to describe me but they're true all the same. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>I want to be brave for you but I can't risk losing you again. Nothing is worth your life. So this is the last of the Permanence. Please spray it on yourself and anything you want to keep before 6 a.m. which is when I'm sending my last letter to myself. I've taken it off myself which is as brave as I can be.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Whatever happens next, please know I love you, now and always.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Eliot x</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"My penmanship is excellent," Eliot says after reading all of the letters. "And I am much nicer to you than I am to myself."</p>
<p>"That has always been true," Quentin says, placing the letters back into the box reverently. "But we balance each other, see, because..."</p>
<p>"Because you're always nicer to me than you are to yourself."</p>
<p>"Correct." Quentin places the box on the bedside table and then crawls into Eliot's lap. "You are brave and strong and my absolute hero. You saved my life."</p>
<p>"I'm pretty sure you saved the world first."</p>
<p>"So we're both heroes," Quentin laughs and kisses Eliot properly this time. It's equally hours and years since they kissed like this. Quentin will never tire of it.</p>
<p>"I was right," Eliot says when they part for breath. "In that letter. Other me. He was right."</p>
<p>"Which part?"</p>
<p>"No matter what has happened between us, no matter what timeline we're living in, I love you. And I always will."</p>
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